**Please note this post may be triggering for some individuals, if you have struggled with disordered eating proceed with caution**
My Workout Gear:
Sometimes we all stumble… it happens. We don’t know what to say or what to do… I mean we are human, right? So today I’m going to be a real human being with you. No post about oh my gah you guys… these workout clothes are so cute… go buy them. (even though they are and you should because… well the whole set it under $50 and you can get the sneakers to complete the whole look for just over $100… so I’ll leave that there). I’m going to tell you what the heck I’m struggling with and what I’m going to do about it rather than wallow in self pity.
Backstory: if you haven’t heard my story you can read that here… I won’t bore you with all the dirty details today. (Edit: Just realized I haven’t added that post back in since moving to a new site In October! That’s on my to-do list this weekend!) Long story short: I’ve battled with an eating disorder most of my life. By most I mean almost 15 years total. It’s been a long, hard road… but I finally can handle my feelings in a healthy way and I’m going to share that with you today.
I spent most of my disordered eating life restricting and purging. I was so young when I started (7th grade) and it really became a part of me. In the beginning I would restrict like a mad woman and just do everything in my power to avoid food in general. When that became impossible I would purge after every meal. That was the worst thing to ever happen to me. Then I felt like I had some big secret… like I could do what I wanted because I had the power now. That led to some seriously unhealthy thoughts and ways of dealing with food.
So here I am, 30 years old and trying to understand what “normal” eating is for me. I’m such an all or nothing person. I either go without or I go crazy. So I’m working my hardest to find balance.
Since meeting Luke, things have changed immensely for me. I still struggled with my ED for the first two years we were together, but marriage did something to me. For the first time in my life I felt safe and like I didn’t have to be in complete control… so I learned to let those habits go.
Since then, I’ve gained about 25 pounds. Really it’s all from not being active enough, indulging in sweet tea, and not getting a good balanced diet in place. For the first time though, I’m not letting myself freak out and go to the extremes. I’m going to fight this fight the healthy way.
I’m on day 4 of no eating out (a huge thing for me) and I know that is going to help immensely. I also signed up for BBG and once I’m over this sickness will be dedicated to doing those workouts. Those two things coupled with a keen sense of what I’m putting in my body are going to go a long way. It feels good to have a plan.
Something else that really shook me recently was that those size 2 outfits just don’t work anymore. I’ve been buying 4’s for a while, but I could always still squeeze into my others (barely), but still. Then it dawned on me. I’m not a size 2. My body is not built to be a size 2. I’ve seen it at 00, 0, and 2… and TBH my body now looks better. I just need to tone up, clean up my diet, and lean out.
It’s okay to not be a freaking size 2. Everyone isn’t built to be a size 2. I have huge ribs. When I’m too small I legit look like I have 4 boobs. Not cute. Life isn’t about a number. Not on the scale or on the label in your clothes. Life is about being your absolute best. My best is not a size 2. It took me way too long to learn that.
I would like to say to those who say oh Lacey… you’re just an average size girl… don’t sweat it. Uh, average? Who the heck wants to be average? I’m not average. I’m me. I’m not a size 4 or 6. I’m me. It lights a fire in me every single time I hear that. I legit get flashbacks to “The Devil Wears Prada” to Anne Hathaway’s character being called Six and oh it just pisses me off. She isn’t a six either. Also, whoever decided that treating someone like ish because they aren’t the same size as you is so crazy. That number doesn’t make you any better just like the number in your bank account doesn’t. Get yourself in check.
*Can you even handle how cute my little helper is?*
I hope this inspired you in some way. To treat yourself better, to treat others better, and to just be the best you can be no matter your size.